Thursday, October 16, 2008


There have been so many things said by GOP folks at so many different times that people can get confused. Thus I am putting it all together in a chronological tale. Of course, I can't vouch for the accuracy of any of it--but then, neither can the GOP...

Barack Obama was born sometime around 1960. I have not heard the Republicans cite the date, so I don't know it. However, it is enough to know that he was born way after Senator McCain, and thus lacks enough experience to be president. He was born before Governor Palin, but he still has less experience because he has never seen Russia from his window.

Little Barack was named Obama because it was his father's last name and also because it looked and sounded like the name of someone who would attack America 40 years later. His middle name was chosen because his prophetic-if-evil parents wanted to pay tribute to the man who would one day be very good at hiding weapons of mass destruction and who was easy to mistake for the one who would attack America because they both came from the same general area. Witnesses at little Barack's christening reported that he grinned and gurgled his approval when the minister spoke these names.

When he was 8, Barack joined the terrorist Weather Underground. It was there that he first met and began palling around with Bill Ayers. As Barack carefully wrapped his little fingers around the bomb he was building, Ayers made a promise to the the lad. "When you grow up, I will invite you to sit in my living room so that I can make you president of the United States."

They became briefly estranged a few years later, when little Barack, at the advice of his minister, Reverend Wright, was converted to Islam and became an arab. (This, however, has recently been argued by Senator McCain, who said that Obama was not an arab, he was a good man. Thus the English language has acquired a new antonym, the opposite of "good" no longer being "bad," but "arab.") His conversion naturally expanded his penchant for terrorism, since, as anyone who has never read the Koran knows, all Muslims like to kill people. All arabs also like to kill people. Indeed, all Muslims are arabs, and vice versa.

As he grew older, Barack began to evolve even more subversive ideas. Billionaires should be taxed more than poor people, he said. This caused his enemies to accuse him of wanting to spread the wealth. He also fought against people named Hockey Mom or Joe Six Pack, and he told a man named Joe the Plumber that he would not raise his income tax if he became president and Joe the Plumber bought his own plumbing business. This was a shrewd promise because it turned out that Joe wasn't really a plumber and wasn't going to buy the business and never paid taxes anyway.

Eventually Obama got bored with being a Muslim socialist, and there was no Weather Underground any more, so he hooked up with a group called ACORN which was dedicated to inventing voter names and thus destroying democracy.

Later he decided to run for president in order to tax everyone who earned more than 22cents a week and to destroy people like Joe the Plumber who just wanted a piece of the American Dream.

This is all I know about Senator Obama, but there are 18 days to go before November 4, so Senator McCain and Governor Palin and their friends may give us some more exciting facts about the person no one knows, that one there, or "the real Barack Obama."

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